I don't remember who said this, but there really are places in the heart you don't even know exist until you love a child. --Anne Lamott
Loving A Child Through the Challenges of Life
--by Rachel Stafford, Original Story, Sep 05, 2012
I was two years shy of becoming a mother when I learned my greatest
lesson about parenting. This information was not gleaned from a New York
Times bestseller, a renowned pediatrician, or an experienced parent. It
came from a 10-year-old boy born to a drug-addicted mother, with an
Individualized Education Plan thicker than an encyclopedia—a boy with
permanent scars along the side of his left arm from a beating with an
extension cord when he was three.
Kyle [*name changed] taught me the one and only thing I really needed to know about loving a child through the challenges of life.
This is my story …
It had been a difficult move. I left my family and friends and the beloved mid-western state where I’d lived most of my life. My new home was thousands of miles away from anything I knew. It was hot—all the time. There were no seasons and teaching jobs were hard to come by. Having seven years experience as a behavior specialist, I was up for a challenge. I would accept any job if it meant I could do what I was born to do—teach.
I accepted a teaching position in a classroom for children with an array of educational diagnoses. They were students with severe learning and behavioral difficulties who’d been shuffled from school to school. So far, no program in the district was able to meet their challenging needs.
The first few months of school were difficult. It was not unusual for me to cry as I made my 45-minute commute to the inner city. It required a deep breath to even open the classroom door, but I came back every day praying this would be the day—a breakthrough to one broken soul.
On this particular morning, I was excited. The other lead teacher and I had spent weeks teaching the children appropriate behavior for public outings. We would be going putt-putting and out to lunch. Miraculously, most of the children in class earned this privilege—only a few had not. Alternative arrangements were made for those students while we took the field trip.
We had an extensive plan in place to make the departure as smooth as possible. But due to the explosive behavior of many of the students, even the best laid plans could quickly turn sour.
Kyle was one of the students who had not earned the field trip, and he was determined to make that disappointment be known.
In the corridor between classrooms, he began screaming, cursing, spitting, and swinging at anything within striking distance. Once his outburst subsided, he did what he’d done at all his other schools, at home, even once at a juvenile detention center when he was angry—he ran.
The crowd of onlookers that congregated during the spectacle watched in disbelief as Kyle ran straight into the heavy morning traffic in front of the school.
I heard someone shout, “Call the police.”
Based on the information in Kyle’s file, I knew the officers would locate him and place him on a 5150 hold for a psychiatric evaluation.
But I could not just stand there. So I ran after him.
Kyle was at least a foot taller than me. And he was fast. His older brothers were track stars at the nearby high school. But I had worn running shoes for the field trip, and I could run long distances without tiring. I would at least be able to keep in him my sight and know he was alive.
With the agility of a professional athlete, Kyle dodged the moving vehicles in his path. After several blocks of running directly into on-coming traffic, he slowed his pace. Although it was still morning, the tropical sun was bearing down on the black tarmac baking anyone crazy enough to be running full speed on it.
Kyle took a sharp left and began walking through a dilapidated strip mall. Standing next to a trash compactor, he bent over with his hands on his knees. He was heaving to catch his breath. That is when he saw me. I must have looked ridiculous—the front of my lightweight blouse soaked with sweat, my once-styled hair now plastered to the side of my beat-red face. He stood up abruptly like a frightened animal that thought it was alone suddenly discovering he’d been spotted.
But it was not a look of fear.
I saw his body relax. He did not attempt to run again. Kyle stood and watched me approach. My exhaustion caused me to slow to a walk.
Kyle remained still.
I had no idea what I was going to say or what I was going to do, but I kept walking closer.
We locked eyes, and I willed every ounce of compassion and understanding in my heart toward his own.
He opened his mouth to speak when a police car pulled up, abruptly filling the space between Kyle and me. The principal of the school and an officer got out. They spoke calmly to Kyle who went willingly into the back of the vehicle. I did not come close enough to hear their words, but I didn’t take my eyes off Kyle’s face. His eyes never left mine … even as they drove away.
It was days before Kyle would be allowed to return to school. I shared my disappointment regarding the turn of events with Kyle’s speech therapist who was familiar with Kyle’s past history and family situation.
She placed her hand on my shoulder and said, “No one ever ran after him before, Rachel. No one. They just let him go.”
But I couldn’t help but feel that I had failed him … that I should have done more or said more … that I should have fixed the situation, or better yet, prevented the situation.
Kyle eventually came back to school. I quickly noticed that when he had a choice of which teacher to work with or which teacher to accompany him to special classes, he chose me. As weeks passed, he was glued to my side, complying with instructions, attempting to do his work, and once in awhile even smiling. For a child with severe attachment issues, it was quite amazing that he was developing a bond with me.
One day on the way to art class, Kyle unexpectedly grasped my hand. It was unusual for a boy his age and size to hold his teacher’s hand, but I knew I must act like it was the most normal thing in the world.
And then he leaned in and quietly said something I will never forget.
“I love you, Miss Stafford,” he whispered. And then, “I never told anyone that before.”
Part of me wanted to ask, “Why me?”
But instead I simply relished the moment—an unimaginable breakthrough from the child whose file bore the words: “Unable to express love or maintain a loving relationship with another human being.”
Besides, I knew the turning point. Things changed the day he ran, and I ran after him—even though I didn’t have the right words … even though I wasn’t able to save him from the mess he was in.
It was the day I didn’t throw my hands up in the air deciding he was too fast … a waste of time and effort … a lost cause.
It was the day my mere presence was enough to make a profound difference.
Ten years have passed since I’ve seen Kyle. I no longer live in the same state that I did back then. But I often think of him. When I am out running … when I am to the point where my legs are tired and aching … I think of him.
And I think of him when those really hard parenting dilemmas come my way—problems derived from inside and outside of the home—issues that make me want to beat my head against the wall or lower it in despair. I think of Kyle in those moments when I don’t know what to do or what to say when I look into my children’s troubled eyes.
That is when I see Kyle’s face and remember I don’t always have to have the answer. Because sometimes there is no clear-cut answer.
And I remember I don’t always have to “fix” their troubled hearts. Because there will be times when I can’t.
I think of Kyle and remember the power of presence.Because it’s possible to say, “I won’t let you go through this alone,” without muttering a single word.
Thank you, Kyle, for revealing the key to loving a child through the challenges of life.
Sometimes our mere presence is enough.
Sometimes it is exactly what is needed to change a dismal situation into one of hope.
Here in the U.S., many students are beginning a new school year. With that, social, academic, and emotional issues are bound to arise at any age. My hope is that we take some pressure off ourselves and realize we don’t always have to “fix it” or find a solution, but instead just be there for our children with love in our eyes.
Reprinted with permission. Rachel Macy Stafford is a certified special education teacher with a decade of experience working with parents and children. You can join her journey to grasp what matters through "The Hands Free Revolution" on her blog.
Kyle [*name changed] taught me the one and only thing I really needed to know about loving a child through the challenges of life.
This is my story …
It had been a difficult move. I left my family and friends and the beloved mid-western state where I’d lived most of my life. My new home was thousands of miles away from anything I knew. It was hot—all the time. There were no seasons and teaching jobs were hard to come by. Having seven years experience as a behavior specialist, I was up for a challenge. I would accept any job if it meant I could do what I was born to do—teach.
I accepted a teaching position in a classroom for children with an array of educational diagnoses. They were students with severe learning and behavioral difficulties who’d been shuffled from school to school. So far, no program in the district was able to meet their challenging needs.
The first few months of school were difficult. It was not unusual for me to cry as I made my 45-minute commute to the inner city. It required a deep breath to even open the classroom door, but I came back every day praying this would be the day—a breakthrough to one broken soul.
On this particular morning, I was excited. The other lead teacher and I had spent weeks teaching the children appropriate behavior for public outings. We would be going putt-putting and out to lunch. Miraculously, most of the children in class earned this privilege—only a few had not. Alternative arrangements were made for those students while we took the field trip.
We had an extensive plan in place to make the departure as smooth as possible. But due to the explosive behavior of many of the students, even the best laid plans could quickly turn sour.
Kyle was one of the students who had not earned the field trip, and he was determined to make that disappointment be known.
In the corridor between classrooms, he began screaming, cursing, spitting, and swinging at anything within striking distance. Once his outburst subsided, he did what he’d done at all his other schools, at home, even once at a juvenile detention center when he was angry—he ran.
The crowd of onlookers that congregated during the spectacle watched in disbelief as Kyle ran straight into the heavy morning traffic in front of the school.
I heard someone shout, “Call the police.”
Based on the information in Kyle’s file, I knew the officers would locate him and place him on a 5150 hold for a psychiatric evaluation.
But I could not just stand there. So I ran after him.
Kyle was at least a foot taller than me. And he was fast. His older brothers were track stars at the nearby high school. But I had worn running shoes for the field trip, and I could run long distances without tiring. I would at least be able to keep in him my sight and know he was alive.
With the agility of a professional athlete, Kyle dodged the moving vehicles in his path. After several blocks of running directly into on-coming traffic, he slowed his pace. Although it was still morning, the tropical sun was bearing down on the black tarmac baking anyone crazy enough to be running full speed on it.
Kyle took a sharp left and began walking through a dilapidated strip mall. Standing next to a trash compactor, he bent over with his hands on his knees. He was heaving to catch his breath. That is when he saw me. I must have looked ridiculous—the front of my lightweight blouse soaked with sweat, my once-styled hair now plastered to the side of my beat-red face. He stood up abruptly like a frightened animal that thought it was alone suddenly discovering he’d been spotted.
But it was not a look of fear.
I saw his body relax. He did not attempt to run again. Kyle stood and watched me approach. My exhaustion caused me to slow to a walk.
Kyle remained still.
I had no idea what I was going to say or what I was going to do, but I kept walking closer.
We locked eyes, and I willed every ounce of compassion and understanding in my heart toward his own.
He opened his mouth to speak when a police car pulled up, abruptly filling the space between Kyle and me. The principal of the school and an officer got out. They spoke calmly to Kyle who went willingly into the back of the vehicle. I did not come close enough to hear their words, but I didn’t take my eyes off Kyle’s face. His eyes never left mine … even as they drove away.
It was days before Kyle would be allowed to return to school. I shared my disappointment regarding the turn of events with Kyle’s speech therapist who was familiar with Kyle’s past history and family situation.
She placed her hand on my shoulder and said, “No one ever ran after him before, Rachel. No one. They just let him go.”
But I couldn’t help but feel that I had failed him … that I should have done more or said more … that I should have fixed the situation, or better yet, prevented the situation.
Kyle eventually came back to school. I quickly noticed that when he had a choice of which teacher to work with or which teacher to accompany him to special classes, he chose me. As weeks passed, he was glued to my side, complying with instructions, attempting to do his work, and once in awhile even smiling. For a child with severe attachment issues, it was quite amazing that he was developing a bond with me.
One day on the way to art class, Kyle unexpectedly grasped my hand. It was unusual for a boy his age and size to hold his teacher’s hand, but I knew I must act like it was the most normal thing in the world.
And then he leaned in and quietly said something I will never forget.
“I love you, Miss Stafford,” he whispered. And then, “I never told anyone that before.”
Part of me wanted to ask, “Why me?”
But instead I simply relished the moment—an unimaginable breakthrough from the child whose file bore the words: “Unable to express love or maintain a loving relationship with another human being.”
Besides, I knew the turning point. Things changed the day he ran, and I ran after him—even though I didn’t have the right words … even though I wasn’t able to save him from the mess he was in.
It was the day I didn’t throw my hands up in the air deciding he was too fast … a waste of time and effort … a lost cause.
It was the day my mere presence was enough to make a profound difference.
Ten years have passed since I’ve seen Kyle. I no longer live in the same state that I did back then. But I often think of him. When I am out running … when I am to the point where my legs are tired and aching … I think of him.
And I think of him when those really hard parenting dilemmas come my way—problems derived from inside and outside of the home—issues that make me want to beat my head against the wall or lower it in despair. I think of Kyle in those moments when I don’t know what to do or what to say when I look into my children’s troubled eyes.
That is when I see Kyle’s face and remember I don’t always have to have the answer. Because sometimes there is no clear-cut answer.
And I remember I don’t always have to “fix” their troubled hearts. Because there will be times when I can’t.
I think of Kyle and remember the power of presence.Because it’s possible to say, “I won’t let you go through this alone,” without muttering a single word.
Thank you, Kyle, for revealing the key to loving a child through the challenges of life.
Sometimes our mere presence is enough.
Sometimes it is exactly what is needed to change a dismal situation into one of hope.
Here in the U.S., many students are beginning a new school year. With that, social, academic, and emotional issues are bound to arise at any age. My hope is that we take some pressure off ourselves and realize we don’t always have to “fix it” or find a solution, but instead just be there for our children with love in our eyes.
Reprinted with permission. Rachel Macy Stafford is a certified special education teacher with a decade of experience working with parents and children. You can join her journey to grasp what matters through "The Hands Free Revolution" on her blog.
Arctic sea ice reaches a record low. Are we doomed?
posted 04 September 2012 17:43
It’s official: the Arctic sea ice extent has already reached a record low,
with weeks of melting still left this season. As predicted, the US
National Snow and Ice Data Centre released data showing that the rapid
ice melt has dropped below the previous record set in 2007:
An estimate of the Arctic sea ice extent in August 1938 compared to
satellite data on 28 August 2012 from the National Snow and Ice Data
Centre (source)
This is a problem, and not just for the animals who live there. Arctic sea ice plays a major role in keeping the region cool and thereby helping to control the global climate system. And with more sea ice melting, sea levels will rise globally – imperiling the lives of millions.
“The extraordinary thing is that this is not unexpected news," said Greenpeace executive director Kumi Naidoo, speaking from the Arctic, where he recently occupied a Russian oil platform. "Governments and decision-makers have known for years the effects of global warming yet their short-sighted approach has left people and other species living on the planet facing an increasingly insecure and uncertain future.”
And yet, as the Arctic melts, oil companies are already moving into the ice-free waters to drill beneath the seabed – paving the way for an Arctic oil rush that would have devastating impacts on the surrounding environment and our planet. Shell has just been given the green light to start drilling there despite a deafening global call on the US Environmental Protection Agency to withdraw their permit.
But the good news is that it’s not all doom and gloom. Last year $280bn was invested in clean, safe energy and the ongoing global surge in these investments could mean that world emissions of greenhouse gases are close to hitting a peak and then reducing.
Clean energy is not only good for the planet: as a leading job creator, it’s good for the struggling world economy. In 2010, there were nearly 8m jobs in the sector, and that figure is set to rise by another 4m over the next three years – overtaking the number of jobs in the fossil fuel industry.
It’s estimated that already nearly 20% of the world’s electricity generation is coming from renewable energy and, given the growth in the sector over the last year, there is hope that we could finally be starting to win the war on climate change. (The International Energy Agency will be releasing a report in November).
But there’s a lot more we need to do if we’re going to stay below a global temperature rise of 2 degrees centigrade. Ending the $1 trillion of fossil fuel subsidies is at the top of the list. For too long, progress on a global solution to climate change has been held back by self-interest and the profits of big oil, coal and gas.
... And then join the Avaaz movement to support action on fossil fuels and other campaigns that can close the gap between the world we have and the world most people everywhere want
An estimate of the Arctic sea ice extent in August 1938 compared to
satellite data on 28 August 2012 from the National Snow and Ice Data
Centre (source)It’s not just about saving polar bears
The sea ice has recently been vanishing at a terrifying rate of 100,000 sq km a day – a record for August – and it’s expected to continue melting until mid- to late September.This is a problem, and not just for the animals who live there. Arctic sea ice plays a major role in keeping the region cool and thereby helping to control the global climate system. And with more sea ice melting, sea levels will rise globally – imperiling the lives of millions.
“The extraordinary thing is that this is not unexpected news," said Greenpeace executive director Kumi Naidoo, speaking from the Arctic, where he recently occupied a Russian oil platform. "Governments and decision-makers have known for years the effects of global warming yet their short-sighted approach has left people and other species living on the planet facing an increasingly insecure and uncertain future.”
And yet, as the Arctic melts, oil companies are already moving into the ice-free waters to drill beneath the seabed – paving the way for an Arctic oil rush that would have devastating impacts on the surrounding environment and our planet. Shell has just been given the green light to start drilling there despite a deafening global call on the US Environmental Protection Agency to withdraw their permit.
Is it too late?
Countless activists, organisations and pundits have been busy sounding the alarm about the world's impending fate if we carry on with the "business-as-usual" approach.But the good news is that it’s not all doom and gloom. Last year $280bn was invested in clean, safe energy and the ongoing global surge in these investments could mean that world emissions of greenhouse gases are close to hitting a peak and then reducing.
Clean energy is not only good for the planet: as a leading job creator, it’s good for the struggling world economy. In 2010, there were nearly 8m jobs in the sector, and that figure is set to rise by another 4m over the next three years – overtaking the number of jobs in the fossil fuel industry.
It’s estimated that already nearly 20% of the world’s electricity generation is coming from renewable energy and, given the growth in the sector over the last year, there is hope that we could finally be starting to win the war on climate change. (The International Energy Agency will be releasing a report in November).
But there’s a lot more we need to do if we’re going to stay below a global temperature rise of 2 degrees centigrade. Ending the $1 trillion of fossil fuel subsidies is at the top of the list. For too long, progress on a global solution to climate change has been held back by self-interest and the profits of big oil, coal and gas.
Get inspired to help
Watch these brave activists take on the "big beasts" polluting the Arctic:... And then join the Avaaz movement to support action on fossil fuels and other campaigns that can close the gap between the world we have and the world most people everywhere want
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