Aborigines
Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

Abstainer
A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.

Arrest
Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.
God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh
-The Unauthorized Version

Barometer
An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.

Bore
A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Cannon
An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.

Cat
A soft indestructible automaton provided by Nature to be kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle.

eeeeChristian
One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo!
The godly multitudes walked to and fro
Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad,
With pious mien, appropriately sad,
While all the church bells made a solemn din --
A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin.
Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below,
With tranquil face, upon that holy show
A tall, spare figure in a robe of white,
Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light.
"God keep you, strange," I exclaimed. "You are
No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar;
And yet I entertain the hope that you,
Like these good people, are a Christian too."
He raised his eyes and with a look so stern
It made me with a thousand blushes burn
Replied -- his manner with disdain was spiced:
"What! I a Christian? No, indeed! I'm Christ."
- G.J.

Congratulation
The civility of envy.

Corporation
An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

Cynic
A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.

Dictionary
A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.

Education
That which discloses to the wise, and disguises from the foolish, their lack of understanding.

Electricity
The cause of all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else.

Helpmate
A wife, or bitter half.

Idiot
A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.

Innards
The stomach, heart, soul, and other bowels.

Insurrection
An unsuccessful revolution.

Justice
A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.

Learning
The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.

Logic
The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.

Love
A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Marriage
The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two.

Mayonnaise
One of the sauces that serve the French in place of a state religion.

Patience
A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.

Philosophy
A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

Pray
To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.


Rational
Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.


Religion
A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.


Road
A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go.

Sabbath
A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.

Vote
The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.

Witch
1, an ugly and repulsive old woman in a wicked league with the Devil; 2, a beautiful and attractive young woman in wickedness a league beyond the Devil.

Youth
The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of endowing a living Homer.
Youth is the true Saturnian Reign, the Golden Age on earth again, when figs are grown on thistles, and pigs betailed with whistles and, wearing silken bristles, live ever in clover, and cows fly over, delivering milk at every door, and Justice is never heard to snore, and every assassin is made a ghost and, howling, is cast into Baltimost--Polydore Smith.


Zeal
A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced.

.....keep fighting the good fight with your minds as weapons!!

...................................kosmicdebris...............................................