"What you are doing speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you are saying' RWE

Now, I suppose, is the time to tell why I decided to get a nursing degree:   Some of my earliest memories are/were those when I was afraid my mother was going to die,  kill herself, hurt herself someway.  Throughout my early childhood mom struggled with severe mental health issues.  There are labels for such conditions, most all carry the stigma of the mentally unstable, for what ever the reason. Organic or environmental, the experts of the day could not explain what the catalysis was or how this fatal condition manifest,  perhaps, some say, stemming from a traumatic experience during early childhood of critical development, something significant that changed the norm forever;  abuse physically, sexually, or psychological...anything pointing toward the pathology of self destruction something that was left unresolved, unaddressed, untreated, who knows really.  My theroy:  cognitive dissidence, i.e. as emmerson observed "What you are doing speaks so loudly I cannot hear what you are saying':  I was fortunate to share in this mad household of which no two days were alike, ever. Learn to deal with life anytime, anywhere, addressing or discounting anyone. psych 101.0: manipulation, confrontation is good for the soul.

Dropping out of high school and joining the army at 17 got me away from the dysfunctional family. My paper route then was the only thing I had going to support myself, I cut grass, gathered pop bottles, dog napped a pooch once and held him for ransom, mom made me give it back. A childhood cut short so I could try and make a life as normal as I could, one that afforded me some sence of security outside church. I think one of the main reasons I became an infantry scout was so I wouldn't have to worry physically about getting hurt and could intervene and pull a Shane on the would-be bad guys, protect the weak type stuff...level the playing field on the side of justice.


Managing that grocery store after I left nursing has a much deeper meaning that I can finally tell....Those I worked closely with in Gore have not a clue about this one.


My mother Mae Imogen Cason (Beard then) lived in Ft. Smith, ARK.  she WORKED FOR HARP'S GROCERY, the store that used to be next to St. Edwards Medical Mercy Center on Rodgers and Carol Ann Cross Rd..in ft. smith, ar 

To all my former front-end managers, checkers, closing managers, video, produce, GMD, the scores of good people that came and went.  All the folks I had the privilege sharing that workspace.  My mother was the front-end manager and trainer for the newly built flagship Harps store while i was still in the army.


 This is what happened:   she worked there a few years and felt, justly so, that she should be promoted into management since she was training the young entry level carbon copy college clones all on track to be her boss/es, then these manager trainees go on to earn a better income than her all the while not knowing a fraction compared to her skill set, the same dudes that sought out her advice on a number of retail and social situations relating to the business, the knowledge that comes from experience, she cheerfully complied and helped them all.  Only to be denied by the glass ceiling women still face systemically today.

This galled her........ no title was O-Kay, all she really wanted was some recognition and a little respect for her efforts so the job would not be meaningless, she had put in her time, and her experience was valuable to her and those she trained, she was good at what she did and was well liked by all but the Don Harp family.

 The company knew she could be replaced by someone quieter and someone who would work cheaper for part-time cut-throat wages. So this women filed suit with the equal opportunity employment commission for discrimination....my mother David vs. Goliath in the 'right to work state' of Arkansas. Harp's threw her away like a piece of trash and that company is poorer for the loss the social value of such an organization should be diminished, the gross mismanagement of human resources is contemptible.
 
The endeavor earned her the respect of her peers and a trip to the unemployment line, she actually tried to organize a labor union of retail sales workers, some part of the afl/cio and had the union representatives over to her house along with 75% of the staff wanted to join the union.  Unions are futile in right to work states but she made the effort and got results. Several of those in attendence at the union organization rally got sacked for one reason or no reason, thanks to right to work in an 'at will' workplace.  Mom was racked with guilt over those that sided with her and were fired.

  Workers are screwed.  I would venture to say that the regional players in the biz here employ only 2 out of 10 positions full-time with benefits and of those jobs most are with management.  To the rest slave wages and public assistance...fish heads and rice.



Although she did not need the job, she did like to work.  Loosing her job profoundly depressed her fragile psyche and she never did fully recover.  Her hospitalizations became more frequent and of a longer duration for the next few years. Finally she could not function with out constant supervision.  I became friends with one of her nurses after I got out of the army.  I thought if this guy can be a nurse then so can I, and that is what i set about doing; dropped out of computer science programme at the UofA and was accepted into the nursing program at west-ark that lead to the BSN at Ft. Smith.

Surprisingly I made very good grades in nursing and liked most areas of the field, especially the mental health stuff. Learning things i could immediately apply in everyday life appealed to me. Sadly very sadly my mother never lived long enough for me to care for her as a full fledged RN,  she killed herself my last semester of school.  I tried to stay in but the truth is I lost interest in that vocation after mother died, she and my step-mom both died within that year and those two where the only reason I even tried to practice.

Fast forward 1987, mom died, I quit nursing, left arkansas for good, went back to school:  two new majors business admin/sociology at northeastern state here in Tahlequah....
Need job, get part-time job.......... Harps Gore, OK. Work and go to school full time.   Have plan, I believe Harps did my mother wrong and decide the company is partially responsible for her death by compounding her depression.   The EEOC case of hers dragged on for 4 years before harps finally won

Takes me 4 years to make manager and assume hiring and firing, most all staffing decisions.

To all the women employed during my tenure there, did anyone notice that one of the first things I did was make checkers stock and stockers check, various other managers positions became women mostly from then on, any women or man that wanted consideration for a open position got a fair look based qualifications.  I intentionally broke gender roles in the name of my mother and no one even knew, Had harps known that the lady that gave them so much trouble was none other than my mother.  I don't think I would have worked there almost 15 years. I could have become bitter and I don't think any would find fault after all is said and done.  I was done in by the very people I gave a break to, that and burnt out from long 12-14 days, gone so long and so often the mouths I fed forgot why I was not there, many days sun up sun down week ends week nights holidays ice storms............

There was a time when I loved that job and couldn't wait to get up and eagerly go in to work.....whoa, then there was a time I would rush in to work just to get away from 'her' and stay just to keep from coming home to.... well, you know, I did, for the most part, have a much better support system at work than at home, pity.





with my moms family, I guess, if you wasn't born on the sewer then I must have to give her something for her skills to lift me out.  My children will never know or concern themselves with such trivial matters as the next meal. I am glad they don't care.........silence speaks volumes. sacrifice? with love.

 Looking hindsight I wouldn't change a thing to start from (ain't quit done yet) even here to finish(Scandinavian?)............I`d do her just to fuck`in all over again.  I am mean enough to wait for you on the other side..ru?no more tears, see you, gonna see you, on my front side, else got no other sides to spare, others all took up space for now..

http://earthquake.usgs.gov/earthquakes/eventpage/usc000nzvd#summary